my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
