How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
