Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
