Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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