when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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