No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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