Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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