Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
