I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
