I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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