I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
