I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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