her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
