he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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