I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
