Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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