I smell stomach acid.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
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Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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