I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
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Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
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This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.