i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy