I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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