So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
