when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
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She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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