Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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