Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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