i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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