when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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