OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
