When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
