You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
