I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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