my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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