Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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