We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
