i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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