you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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