Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
