I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
