I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
