I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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