I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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