Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
