can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
