I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
