My Higher Power is John Stamos
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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