i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
