everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
