there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
