I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
