proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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