you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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