when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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