Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
