so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
