i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Bring me that man meat
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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