Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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