Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
