Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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