Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize