Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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