Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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